It can't happen to me because....

Have you ever known someone that had some pretty tough stuff happen to them?  Someone who had cancer, or a child die, or a sick husband, or all of the above?  How about serious long term financial problems?  Ever known someone like that?

I have written a bit about this before but it came up again in a conversation with my sister today.  She was diagnosed 2 years ago with stage 4 breast cancer.  For those of you who don't understand what that means, it means that it is terminal from the moment of diagnosis.  She might live for a long time yet because right now they can't find cancer in her.  She described it to me not long ago by saying it is like a dandelion.   If you catch it while it is pretty and yellow and dig out the root, it is gone and won't come back.  If it has gone to seed then you never know where those seeds went and when one will start to grow or where. Right now, Praise God, no seeds are growing.

It is a sad fact that when someone has serious problems, especially problems that are long term, that there will be people who go out of their way to protect themselves from those problems.  I am not talking about getting a mammogram, or wearing a seat belt.  I am talking about a much more subtle and damaging form of protection.  Have you ever seen a movie where someone hides behind someone else in order to save themselves?  You know, the guy hides behind a little kid when the gunman shows up?  Yeah.  That kind of protection.

The kind of problems I am talking about here are scary!  They are the stuff that makes you lose sleep at night and cause you to get a tight feeling in your chest that won't go away.  It causes cognitive dissonance.  You gotta do something to make it feel better.  Gotta!  A healthy response is to recognize that sometimes bad things happen and it sucks.  It does.  Sympathy and compassion is a healthy response to someone in pain.

What is not a healthy response is something that happens far more often than you would ever guess.  Let me tell you what happened to us as illustration and know that it happens all the time to others too.

We had a long series of very difficult situations.  In September of 2007 Pete's mom died and from there in 2008 we had:

• 9 kidney surgeries for Pete one of which was on a very close friend's funeral day and for kidney failure.
• 1 rotator cuff surgery for me.
• Our 12 year old daughter Rachael was hit by a car (4 days after Pete was in kidney failure and had surgery,) spent 2 weeks in a coma and then died.

2009

• January: 7 year old Daniel was hospitalized for vomiting blood which was coming from a blood vessel in his throat that took two days to find and cauterize.

• January:  Pete was hospitalized with viral meningitis, which progressed to viral cardio myopathic pericarditis with congestive heart failure and then viral pneumonia and pleurisy.  We spent a week with the crash cart outside his door.  He spent several weeks too sick to sit up to eat dinner.

• April:  Pete was fired for being sick.  Yes, really.

Why he was *really* fired is what I am writing about today.   Every day from about the third kidney surgery in 2008 we had to try to hide all that was happening to our family from those he worked with.  He was working with people that didn't understand having tough stuff happen and in their minds somehow he Deserved what was going on.  He couldn't even stay with me for my shoulder surgery because he could not let them know he had yet another difficult thing to deal with.  And, oh dear, all of that was beFORE Rachael's accident and death.  There was no way to hide all that or when he got sick.

Let me explain.  People can't stand the thought that all of these bad things could just happen to someone.  In their minds if that person didn't do *something* to deserve it, then, oh heavens, oh no, oh man...it could happen to ME TOO!  So to solve their cognitive dissonance they invent reasons why it can't happen to them.

One of my neighbors did it by saying that my daughter died because I didn't take care of her well enough.  ("My daughter won't die because I will just take better care of her than she did.")  

Pete's coworkers thought that his kidney problems and the virus that nearly killed him were a sign that he had a poor diet and health habits so he deserved it.  ("It can't happen to me because I only eat raw broccoli.")  

Some friends thought that we must have a spiritual problem and hidden sin in our lives. ("I won't have to go through hard things because I am right with God.")

Some Christians thought that Rachael died because we didn't have enough faith when we prayed. ("If someone near me gets hurt or sick, I will have enough faith.")

Some family  members thought that we were bad parents so deserved it all.  ("I am  or will be a good parent so my kids will turn out fine.")

My sister has people that think her cancer is due to eating sugar. ("I never eat a Reese's so I won't get cancer.")

Some people think she has cancer because she isn't enough of a *fighter.* ("If I ever got cancer I would fight and win by sheer force of will!") 

Some people think that a financial problem is a sign of God's disfavor. ("I will always pay my bills on time and then God won't punish me like He is them.")

Finding a reason why someone deserves whatever trial is happening to them is almost like a magic talisman that some people hold onto with both hands as a protection against trails happening.  It is so hard and so painful to be on the receiving end of that judgement.  

It is an insidious way to solve the cognitive dissonance in yourself when you encounter the unthinkable, the unbelievable, and the unbearable.

I think people that might otherwise be normal and compassionate people fall into this trap.  Maybe we can learn to do better.  Maybe by being aware of this trap you can avoid hurting someone who is already hurting.

Maybe...just maybe...it isn't their fault after all.