I am about to talk about a taboo topic. Yes I am.

Topics open for discussion go through trends I have noticed.  Back in the late 70's it was suddenly okay to talk about girls getting sexually abused, too late for my sister, it turns out, who had to hide the fact that the school custodian sexually molested her for 2 years in the boiler room.  Then in the 80's it was okay to talk about boys getting molested as well.  Too late for a few who had already had to hide their shame of being abused by someone else.

It got to be okay to talk about being gay, and then after the movie The Burning Bed women could finally get help when they were being beaten up by their husbands.  Breast cancer can be discussed openly and without shame, and we can talk about suicide and find ways to prevent tragedy instead of families suffering with the shame of someone else's actions again.  We used to hide alcoholism in families and not talk about it, and children were embarrassed by a drunken parent instead of being able to ask for and get help.

But, there is one thing we never talk about.  Never.  So I am taking a deep breath and plunging in anyway.  All of the victims I listed above...it was not their fault.  And yet those who were first to speak out had to overcome deep and profound shame by being victimized.  I  personally know some victims of the abuse I want to discuss, but, I won't give you their names, because just as before, it takes time for it to be accepted enough to not be embarrassed by being a victim.  And frankly it is dangerous for them.

It is domestic violence against men.  Husbands who are being beaten and hurt on a regular basis by their wives.  Men who suffer in silence because it is not *manly* to admit a girl beat you up, even if that girl weighs 200 lbs and you have been taught your whole life to not hit a girl.  Ever.  Men who, in self-defense, end up with battery charges against them because she presses charges when he has to get her off of him or face even death.  Men who have scars, black eyes, bruises, and broken bones, but suffer in silence because no one believes them when they do tiptoe in and try to talk about it.

The statistics are shocking.  1 in 10 men has suffered serious physical abuse by a live-in partner on a regular basis, and more than 1 in 4 (28,5%) at some point in their lives.   There are no well known programs, no doctors who ask at visits, no brochures placed in bathrooms, no ad campaign to educate victims on how to get help.  Men go to work and no one knows that the night before he was beaten and his life threatened.

                                

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline,  aside from the beatings other signs of abuse include:

• Telling you that you can never do anything right
• Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away
• Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members
• Embarrassing or shaming you with put-downs
• Controlling every penny spent in the household
• Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses
• Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you
• Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do
• Preventing you from making your own decisions
• Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children
• Preventing you from working or attending school
• Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets
• Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons
• Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
• Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol

Typically the abuser uses any means possible to isolate the victim from his (or her) support system, but in the case of men, our society does much of the secret-keeping for the abuser by making it so shameful for a man to admit or have anyone believe.  Do not be deceived.  It is not just a low income problem or a problem in drug communities.  It is not just a problem for other people.  I promise you, that right now, this very minute, you know a man who is a victim, and needs help.  If he leaves it is likely that the charges she has filed against him will prevent him from getting custody of his children who then would be left with an abusive mother.  Maybe she doesn't abuse them and takes all her anger out on him.  But...can he count on that, knowing what she is capable of?  Would you?  So he stays.  His life is a nightmare and he can't wake up.

We need to talk about this.  We need to be more aware and make others more aware.

We need to end the silence so we can end the nightmare.

If you need help call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233
www.thehotline.org