Tips on Coping with Grieving Through the Holidays

Grief.  Man.  Who needs it?  It hurts more than you ever knew it could, and you wonder if you will ever be okay again.  When my daughter died (5 years 5 months and 10 days ago) it took me a long time to know I would be able to survive it.  A lot of people thought I was so brave.  The truth is I had no choice and time does help.  It just took a lot more of it than I thought it would.

The holidays especially are a minefield and so hard to navigate. You just never know when a sight, sound, memory, or smell will punch you in the gut and leave you in a puddle on the floor.  For most people it is the hardest and the first year is the worst, but not the only by far.

Pete and I spoke at a Grieving Through the Holidays event last night and today a dear friend posted some struggles on Facebook.  I realized that some of the coping tips we spoke about last night might help more people.

1. Don't try to recreate traditions.  They won't feel the same, and will hurt more.  Do something different, and the first year it is even helpful to do something totally different.

2. Realize that you can and will be caught off guard from places and things you would never expect.  Try to plan for circumstances, and even plan your verbal responses to various questions, and realize it is normal to get caught off-guard.  Plan for it as best you can.

3. It is okay to grieve with your family.  Don't try to hide it.  It will even give them permission to feel the feelings too.  Sometimes they don't feel it or allow the feelings in deference to you.

4. Don't create a shrine.  Save some mementos and special things, but don't leave whole rooms untouched or try to keep them there.  It won't help you heal to have that in your life.

5. Forgive the insensitivity of others.  Brace yourself for some of the hurtful things people say and remember that they took the time to talk to you and meant well.  Some people won't take that time and make that effort.

6. Grieving can be inconvenient.  Try to make appointments with yourself to cry and get it out so there is less built up when it is not convenient and you get caught off guard.

7. Husbands and wives can grieve at different times and different ways.  It is okay.  Your grief is your own, and no one will deal with it the same way you do.

8.Constant suppression will turn pain into anger.  Anger is an easier emotion to manage but the pain needs to be felt to be dealt with and gotten through.  Your goal is to get past it the best you can, not save it for later.

9. It is okay to share, but be careful with whom you share.  Not everyone will be compassionate, or able to be sensitive.

10. Find a non-consuming outlet: writing, music, exercise, a new project etc.

11. When you are deciding what things you want to do or events to attend, try to decide based on what you would have chosen before.  If it is something that would have given you pleasure before, it is very likely to bring you pleasure now.

12.  Talk about your loved one.  Remember them.  Speak their name and encourage others to do so as well.  The memories are sweet, even when it hurts too.