My dear friend and pastor died very suddenly this week, and my heart feels torn into bits. We belong to a moderately sized church but his influence and reach was very broad, and among our circle of friends we try to help when there is death and grief. So many people have asked me this week what to do and I try to help. Earlier I found a little short list of things, but it just seemed inadequate to me.
So...here is my list. I hope it helps.
1. Give them space, but not too much. Let them direct it and just be available. Unless you are a very close friend don't expect much contact for a while. I describe it like being naked. In deep grief it is much like being naked and you just don't do that in front of just anyone.
2. Help with the mundane of life. It is hard to think at first and simple things get missed very easily. Water the plants. Take the dog for grooming. Shovel snow. Buy groceries. But please remember that this is not a time for socializing. The greatest gift is to serve without them even knowing you did it if possible.
3. Words are so hard. Please don't say you know how they feel unless you do. But even then everyone has a different experience. Say things like: I am sorry. I am praying for you. I love you. It will get easier in time. Or even just say, I don't know what to say but I am here for you and praying for you.
4. Time. It takes a long long long time. The world has tipped over and is seen in shades of grey. It requires a lot of time to find out how to walk in it again and how to see color again. Don't expect things to be back to normal soon, and normal will never be what it was before.
5. It is like ocean waves. They come and knock the feet out from under you, and then recede, and at first they come so quickly and so powerfully. In between they can feel a bit of relief, and may want to laugh a bit or feel normal for a moment, but then it comes back. Be very aware of the shifts and allow for them, take your cue from them, and follow their lead.
6. Everyone is different. Some people like to talk. Some like to hug. Some cry easily and some are embarrassed by crying. Some eat and some lose their appetite completely. Watch and be sensitive. Don't hug someone who doesn't want to and sit quietly with someone who is not a talker.
7. Grief is some of the hardest work there is. Your friend is exhausted all the time. Nothing sounds fun because there is no left over energy. Keep asking anyway, but with no pressure.
8. There are things to never say: It is for the best. I know how you feel. (unless you really do) You need to get over it, and move on.
9. Remember that there are concentric circles of grieving, starting with those closest and moving outward and if you are close enough to want to help you are probably grieving at some level too. Take care of yourself also.
10. Don't be afraid to talk about the person who died, but allow your friend to have times where they talk about other things too.
There. A short list of what I hope will help a bit.
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